Struggling to make friends? Do you argue with others and still don’t get to win them over to your way of thinking? Do you think that your relationships with your partners and customers could be better?
Look no further – the definitive guide to overcoming these hardships is here.
In this How to win friends and influence people free book summary, we will cover some of the principles and strategies presented by Dale Carnegie.
By putting these basic, solid strategies into utilization, you’ll become a progressively amiable, enticing and successful individual, expert and pioneer.
If you want others to like you, do not criticize them.
Bob Hoover, an airplane test pilot, was flying once more from a flying demonstration in San Diego when all of the sudden both of his engines cut out. Through some impressive flying he was able to land the plane and save everyone on board. Unfortunately, the plane was badly damaged.
The reason behind the engine failure was that the World War Two propeller plane had been accidentally filled up with jet fuel.
Back at the airport, Hoover saw the expert who had made the mistake. The young individual was in tears, acknowledging how mad Hoover must be over the loss of his expensive plane and the danger posed to the three people on board.
So did Hoover yell at him? Condemn him? Criticize him?
Not at all. In fact, Hoover said that to demonstrate his trust in the mechanic having learned his lesson., he’d like the same mechanic to help with his plane the next day.
The reason behind Hoover’s selflessness was possibly that he knew something that psychologist B.F. Skinner had discovered a long time ago: animals rewarded for good food will learn more effectively than those Punished for bad behavior. This applies too for people.
Successful people actually made it a habit to never openly criticize others. Benjamin Franklin, for instance, said that the secret of his success was to “speak ill of no man.”
Criticizing someone is easy, but it takes character to understand and forgive people for their mistakes. So in the event that you need others to like you, think why they did what they did, accept their mistakes and never ever criticize others openly.
If you want others to do you favors, show your appreciation and make them feel important.
We always desire to be appreciated by others. We like being complimented and hearing that we’re working superbly.
Nobody is resistant to this yearning for significance and appreciation. Consider that even George Washington was inclined toward having the title “His Mightiness, the President of the United States.”
Though you don’t have to give somebody a good title to show your appreciation. It’s enough to say expressions like “Thank you” and “I’m sorry,” as long as you’re honest and it’s genuine.
Additionally, be sure to make the other individual feel important. For you to get the right mindset, think of Ralph Waldo Emerson, who said that each individual he met was better than him in specific ways, so there was continually something to gain from and acknowledge in other individuals.
The Golden Rule: treat others as you would like others to treat you.
When starting a conversation, genuinely point out good things about the other person, praise her hair, her clothes or if you are in another country, you can tell her that you like her accent. You will be surprised that the conversation will be smooth and pleasant.
If you want to make a good first impression, SMILE.
A long time ago, a New York stockbroker by the name of William B. Steinhardt tried something new. He was a notorious grouch who rarely smiled. One day, Steinhardt decided to follow the author’s advice to smile more.
He started theday by greeting his partner with a smile, as he got out of his building, he greeted everyone with a smile including the doorman, the cashier at the subway booth, then the traders in the trading floor and to all his colleagues.
What do you think happened next?
Individuals started smiling back at him. At home, Steinhardt said that there had been more satisfaction in the initial two months of the experimentation than in the whole year before it. In addition, he found that at work, complaints were simpler to manage, winning him more revenue than before. To put it plainly, he was a richer, happier man.
As the story goes, a smile can go a long way. Smile costs nothing, you can use it to lift up your spirits and those of others. Stay positive and attract all the good vibes.
A person’s name is the sweetest sound they know.
Jim Farley lost his dad at age ten. Being the most seasoned kid in the family, he got down to business at a brickyard to help pay the bills. Despite not having a good education, when he was 46, Jim was Postmaster General and Chairman of the Democratic National Committee.
So what was the key to his success?
Farley realized that individuals care more about their very own name than the various names on the planet combined. Recalling and utilizing an individual’s name was a subtle yet powerful way to win over them, and this was something at which Farley was remarkably good. When the author asked Farley if it is true that he could remember the first names of 10,000 people, Farley corrected him and said he could call 50,000 people by their first name!
Similarly, Theodore Roosevelt was popular among all his staff since he made it a habit of welcoming and calling them by their first name. He also made sure to listen to them and remember what they said so he could refer back to it later. By doing this, he showed others appreciation and he got far more back in return.
To win somebody’s support make certain to recall their name and use it in discussion every now and again.
Make sure to get the name when it comes up the first time in conversation and ask for it to be repeated or spelled out. While in a conversation, repeat it back to the person multiple times to associate it with the person to whom you’re talking. When you’re alone, you can even write it down to enforce the memory.
If you want to be interesting yourself, be a good listener who is genuinely interested in others.
Once, the author was in New York for a dinner party where he met a botanist. Having never met one before, the author listened to him for hours talking about exotic plants and his experiments. Later, the botanist told the host what an “interesting conversationalist” the author was.
What’s interesting is the author never really had a chance to share something. He barely said anything at all. He had merely been a good, interested listener.
The secret of being interesting yourself is to simply to be interested in others. We all love a good listener, especially when they let us speak about ourselves. If you want to be likable and interesting, stop talking and just listen. Make a conscious effort to give the person your full attention.
People love to talk about themselves. Ask questions about the other person’s accomplishments, what are their interests or let them talk about something they love. You will be surprised at the deep connections you can forge.
Think about what others want and talk about what’s important to them.
If you want someone else to do something, think about it from their perspective: how you can make them want to do it?
Another crucial piece of advice to win someone’s favor is to become knowledgeable and speak about things that are important to them.
A man named Edward L. Chalif needed a favor. A big boy scout jamboree was coming up in Europe, and he was looking for a sponsor who can pay for all the expenses of one participant. He met with the president of one of the largest corporation in America.
Before the meeting, Chalif had heard the president of the company once had a check for a million dollars framed and was very proud of it. He used this as an advantage when they first met. Instead of starting with the request, Chalif asked about the check: Was it true? Could he possibly see it? He’d sure love to be able to tell the boy scouts that he’d seen a real check for a million dollars! The president of the company gladly complied, happily retelling the story of the check.
After a little while, Chalif started to explain the real reason for the meeting. The president immediately agreed to pay for not one, but five boy scouts and even come to Paris himself to personally show the group around.
And if you’re not sure about the other person’s interests, remember that there’s one topic everyone is interested in: themselves. Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.
Avoid all arguments – they cannot be won.
Arguing with another person does not really make much sense. If you lose, you lose the argument. If you win, the other person will resent you for having hurt their pride, so you still will not have truly won them over.
The only solution is to avoid such disputes from the start.
The next time you encounter a disagreement, don’t start arguing to bolster your views, but instead try to accept it as something positive that brings a new perspective to your attention. Always listen to what your opponent has to say without resistance and carefully examine their thoughts. Try to find areas where you agree and focus on these points, this will help reduce your opponent’s defensiveness.
Never tell others they are wrong; they will only resent you.
Whenever you tell someone they’re wrong, you’re basically saying, “I’m smarter than you.” This will hurt their self-esteem and there is a big possibility that they will retaliate because you’re clearly disrespecting their opinions.
If possible, avoid absolute terms like “It’s clear that…” or “Obviously, the case is…” These telegraph the message “I’m smarter than you,” and even if you do think you’re smarter, you should never openly display this mentality. Instead, you could say, “I thought differently but I might be wrong. I’ve been wrong pretty often, so let’s have a look at the facts again together.” If you position it like this, the other person is much less likely to resist or resent you and would probably give you a chance to share your opinions or views.
Whenever you’re wrong yourself, admit it right away.
We all make mistakes. And whenever you do and someone is about to reprimand or criticize you for it, the easiest way to avoid it is to admit your mistake. The moment you admit your guilt, the situation completely changes. Instead of them attacking you, you’ll be surprised that they will show generosity by forgiving you instead.
So what will you do the next time you realize you did something wrong? Admit it enthusiastically. It will produce better results, and you’ll find it’s actually much more enjoyable than having to defend yourself when the other person points out your mistake.
To be convincing, start in a friendly way and get others to say “yes” as often as possible.
Miners from the Colorado Fuel and Iron Company, which was being run by John D. Rockefeller Jr. had been striking for over two years for an increase in wages. It was tragic, a lot of troops had been deployed and strikers had been shot. There was a time when Rockefeller was one of the most hated men in Colorado.
So when Rockefeller had to address the representatives of the strikers, he was thinking how he could win them over who only a few days earlier wanted to see him hanged.
He chose a simple strategy, friendliness. He emphasized how proud and happy he was to meet them and spoke to them as dear friends with whom he shared many interests. What happened next was unbelievable, the miners went back to work without another word about the wage increases they had fought for years.
Another technique is to get people to say “yes” right from the get-go.
Begin focusing on the points on which you agree with the other person and ask questions to get them to say “yes”. For sales people, multiple “yeses” can translate in to more sales.
So whatever it is you’re trying to achieve, be sure to start in a friendly way and ask a gentle question that will get them to say “yes”.
To change others, start with praise and lavish them with more continuously.
To change others, do not start with a refusal, began encouraging the other person and praise them for every improvement they make or for any good things they’ve done no matter how small. This will motivate them and make it seem easy for them to make the change you desire.
You see, people’s abilities languish under criticism but bloom under encouragement. So the next time you need to change someone’s ways, be generous with your praise.
When drawing attention to mistakes, do so indirectly and speak of your own errors first.
When Charles Schwab was walking through one of his steel mills, he saw this group of men smoking under a “no smoking” sign. He didn’t confront them directly but instead gave each one of them a cigar and said he would appreciate it if they smoked it outside.
You see, Schwab knew that calling attention to mistakes indirectly makes people far more amenable to changing their ways.
Here’s a technique you can apply starting today. The next time you plan to start with a praise but then say “…but…” and continuing with the criticism, think about how you could formulate the criticism more softly with an “and.”
For example, instead of saying to your child: “Your grades are looking good, but your algebra is still lagging,” try saying “Your grades are looking good, and if you keep working on your algebra, it’ll soon catch up!”
In addition to this indirect approach, you’ll find people more receptive if you begin by talking about your own mistakes.
To make yourself likable, smile, listen and remember the names of others. People crave appreciation so shower them with it and talk about what’s important to them. Avoid arguments and never criticize others as this will not help you get your way. If you want someone to change, be lavish and generous with your praise, encouraging them for every bit of progress they make. Admit your own mistakes openly and only call attention to the mistakes of others indirectly.
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